You put the Gem in the Gravity and shake it all up
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Dipper vs. Manliness AU! Add a pinch of savory 'Myth arc'. A tea spoon of sweet and sour character relationship/development done right. Add a dash of chocolate Bill Cipher. Mix it with a cup of vanilla Diamonds. Put it to a boil...and give it a taste!
1. Chapter 1

You put the Gem in the Gravity and shake it all up.

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

 **ATTENTION EVERYONE! I'll be briefly breaking my Hiatus and having a Halloween contest. I'll be posting Halloween themed stories, horror themed, or one's that end with a cliff-hanger! The story that gets the most reviews, will be the one I update on Halloween!(and maybe a few other surprises. heh. heh.)**

 **And don't forget to check out my new "Shake Up the Falls" Challenge!**

…...

 **HOORAY!**

Shouts everyone in the diner as Manly Dan causes a shower of Flapjacks!

Humiliated after having just been shown up and emasculated in front of his family; Dipper shouts out "I need to get some chest hair!" Before running toward the door-

 **BOOM!**

Dipper finds himself thrown to the other side of the diner as the door smashed to pieces by the fleeing bulk of a Minotaur!

RUN! SHE'S TOO MANLY!

 _SHE?_ Thinks everyone confused-

 **BOOM!**

Before a giant flail totals the diner...

…...

Sugilite laughs as she demolishes yet another building before going back to pummeling Pearl. "YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING? YOU!- She smacks Pearl towards the sky. -AIN'T!- She smashes Pearl into the ground -NOTHING!"

Sugilite attempts to crush Pearl with her flail, but misses. This makes the fleeing Steven and Greg fly away, landing on the ground hardly.

Steven groans. "My muscles!" And then he notices he's landed near his megaphone...

Pearl kneels and cries as she finds herself unable to fight anymore... "I'm sorry... Steven, Garnet, Amethyst... (sniff) I wasn't strong enough, to protect you. I'm not strong enough to do anything..."

"Come on, Pearl! Don't give up! I know you can take her down!" Screams Stevens voice across the street. Pear whirls around and sees Steven shouting encouragement with his megaphone.

Pearl groans. "I can't..."

"Yes, you can! Come on! You always knew what to do! You gotta show her what you showed me! That you're strong, Pearl! Strong in the REAL WAY!"

Pearl gets up and looks toward the faraway Crystal Temple...and gains back her confidence.

Sugilite sees this and laughs. "WHAT? YOU WANT SOME MORE?!" Pearl smirks. "ANY TIME! You're no match for me! Not even CLOSE!"

Sugilite growls as she punches the ground, and chases Pearl up the nearest cliff. "GOO!" Shouts Steven!

Sugilite continues to chase Pearl. "Get back here!" She shouts as she reaches to grab her- Only for Pearl to smile and gracefully jump off the cliff!

"Ha! Nice try!" Laughs Sugilite as prepares to smack her mid-air with her mace- But Pearl is too quick! Quickly calculating both angle and trajectory, Pearl throws her spear just right-

 **CRACK!**

-To destroy Sugilite's footing-

 **GAH!**

-Which sends Sugilite tumbling off the cliff!

 **BOOM!**

Despite her impact shaking the town, Sugilite still manages to rise back up-

"Is that all you GOT? You think that's enough to beat—

 **CRACK!**

-Only for her Flail to land on her head-

 **POOF!**

-Forcibly separating her back into Amethyst and Garnet.

"Amethyst! Garnet! Are you okay!?" Cries out a concerned Pearl as she runs toward her friends. Garnet groaned. "Yeah... Sugilite just overworked our bodies. It's... a little painful." "I've got a monster headache." Concurred Amethyst.

Pearl hugs them, and the sound of bones being cracked is heard. Whoops! Shouts Pearl as she let's her two groaning fall to the ground.

Greg carries Steven over to them. "Pearl, you did it!" Shouts Steven excitedly. Pearl smiles and nods. "Thanks. You make a great Coa-

 **HELP! SOMEONE! ANYBODY! HE'S DYING!**

The 'feel good' moment quickly forgotten, the gems look over to a commotion at the ruins of the diner...

…...

Mabel was in tears. "He...he saved me! He pushed me out of the way and took the blow for himself!" Cried out Mabel over the broken body of her brother Dipper...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**

 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

You put the Gem in the gravity ch. 2

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...…...

The Gems could only watch in horrified silence as the little girl became more hysterical over her brothers broken body.

"Hey look Dipper! Bigfoot! Don't you want to see!?" She shouted desperately, ignoring the pool of blood that was starting to collect under him...

Seeing this didn't work, she switched tactics; "Hey Dipper! If you don't wake up I'll tickle you!" She shouts as she tickles him in his least favorite spots...and got no response whatsoever...

Mable was starting to panic. "Uh...DIPPER LOOK! WENDY'S NAKED!"

"Wait, what?" Said Wendy suddenly. "Wendy! Take your clothes off! Quick!" Shouted Mable desperately.

"Mable I- YOU HEARD HER! TAKE IT OFF! DO YOU WANT DIPPER TO DIE!?" Screamed an equally desperate Stan as he tries to rip off Wendy's clothes-

 **CRACK!**

-Only to immediately find himself flat on the ground, with a few less teeth...

"Thanks Wendy...I needed that..."

Meanwhile Mable had given up and was wailing. "He saved me...he saved me...and now he's dead...AND THE LAST THING I DID TO HIM WAS MOCK AND RIDICULE HIM!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?" She screamed.

She continued to sob. Before this...he'd already saved my life several times...and how do i repay him? Taunt him in a way I know will hurt his feelings! I am such a stupid bitch!" She screamed as she started to smack herself!

Stan quickly stopped her. "Whoa! Mable stop! Your not to blame..I am. I mocked the poor kid for his choice of music...Like a hypocrite like me has a leg to stand on! I watch the 'Black and White Period Piece Old Lady Boring Movie Channel' for crying out loud!"

Without another word...the two Pines just hugged each other and wept...not noticing or caring about anything else...until they heard a weird noise..they turned around- AND SAW A WEIRD KID SPITTING ON DIPPERS CORPSE!

"Hey! What the blood are you doing!?" Screamed Mable. Steven panicked. "Wait! It's not what it-

 **POW!**

Mable let cracked him right in the jaw! She was about to go for a second-

 **GLOW!**

Everyone gasped at the sight of Dippers body glowing...his blood going back into his body...and finally-

"Oh...I have a headache." Groaned a very much alive Dipper.

Everyone was stunned...none said a word- "HE'S A WITCH!" Screamed Sprott pointing at Steven- Only to be punched unconscious by Wendy...before she runs over crying to join the sobbing Pines family as they embraced Dipper.

"Wha- What happened?" Asked a confused Dipper. "The last thing I remember...someone saying I wasn't-

"Your the man Dipper! Don't let anyone say otherwise! And if I EVER say otherwise, punch me in the face!" Shouted Mable excitedly to a now even more confused Dipper.

Stan turned to Steven and his family. "Who are you guys anyway?" Asked Stan confused/grateful.

"WE ARE THE CRYSTAL GEMS!"

Stan looked at them blankly as they posed... "Never heard of you". He said finally...

…...  
TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

**You put the gem in the Gravity and shake it all up ch. 3**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

...Yesterday...

 _"So wait, you guys are a bunch of immortal crystal-based lifeform aliens who fight monsters!?" Asked an amazed Dipper._

 _"Yeah, we rock!" Shouted Amethyst. Dipper then looked confused. "Wait, if you guys defeat monsters all the time and have lived for so long...how come I've never heard of or seen you before?"_

 _"Long story." Said Garnet simply._

 _"HEY DIPPER! HE'S GOT A PET LION! AND HE'S PINK!" Shouted an excited Mable-_

...Present...

"Dipper! Get your head in the game!" Shouted Stan suddenly. Dipper shook off the flashback and got back to helping the 'Steven and Stevens' set up for the Shack party they were throwing tonight.

Dipper smirked...tonight was the night...the night he'd ask Wendy to dance!

...

-Or not...

Dipper sighed...first he covered for Mable to be with Wendy. But then he covered for Wendy, so she could have fun at the party...now he was stuck at the ticket booth alone!

 _What can I do? Stan won't let me leave, and I can't...be...in...two..._ His thoughts trailed off as he remembered that 'discovery' him and Mable had made early this morning...

He quickly went to the photo-copy and lay on top of it-

OW!

Dipper cried out! Some moron left some broken glass on here! He quickly brushed it off his arm and activated the photo-copier.

A glow enveloped him...and before he knew it...there was two of him! And it saluted him!

"SIR! COPY 136 REPORTING FOR DUTY AND READY FOR MISSION ASSIGNMENT SIR!" Dipper was a bit taken back, by this.

"Wait, why are you- He shook his head, he'd wonder about this later! Wendy was waiting for him!

"Whatever, can you take my place at the ticket booth until the party is over?" "MISSION RECEIVED! WILL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY!" He then marched off.

Dipper frowned. _Okay...A little weird...but when has that ever stopped me?_ Thought Dipper with a smirk as he ran for the party. Now there was nothing standing between him and Wendy!

...

Except Stupid Robbie apparently...

Dipper quickly ran back to the photo-copier...an idea forming in his head. Soon he had several more clones up and ready-

"REPORTING FOR DUTY AND READY FOR MISSION ASSIGNMENT SIR!" They all shouted eagerly.

Dipper took this opportunity to ask them a couple of questions; apparently the photo-copier was created by the Author(sadly all information of his identity- among other things -were apparently encrypted/locked and were unable to access them at this time). They also had all Dippers memories, although they couldn't currently access most of their programing for some reason...their prime directive was clear: Complete any mission given to them no matter what!...also, they could be destroyed by water...but ONLY water

Dipper nodded at this information. "Alright then...Watched enough Sci-fi movies to know how this can go wrong...so let's keep this simple: help me get a dance with Wendy, and that Robbie doesn't." Said Dipper simply.

The clones saluted: "SIR, YES SIR!"

...

Dipper ran back to the party past the Stevens-

"Okie-dokie artichoke-y!" Said a Steven with a four marked on him. "Steven 4, what are you doing? You're not the funny one. Steven 3 is." Shouted a Steven with a weird hairstyle...

Dipper was tempted to stay and watch how this played out- _No, focus Dipper! The priority is Wendy!_ He quickly ran to Soos and whispered in his ear.

"Dudes, would the owner of a silver and red dirt bike please report outside. It is being stolen right now." Said Soos over the microphone.

"Wait, WHAT?!" Shouts Robbie as he turns to the window just in time to see his bike stolen. "Hey, come back here!" He shouts while running after them-

"Oh, tough break. I wonder who those guys are who aren't me because I'm right here." Said Dipper awkwardly...

...

Robbie panted. he didn't have time for this! Every second he was here was one more second that pip-squeak could steal Wendy from him-

Suddenly, he saw it- His bike lying in the middle of the clearing! Robbie smirks, "Yes! In your face thieves!"

 **ZAP!**

Actually...it was Robbie's face...it had a hole in it now. The smoking hole stayed upright for a split second before Robbie's body realized he'd died...and then it fell flat to the ground.

Dipper clone 3 looked at the gun his hand had turned into. "Huh, it would seem I have combat protocols." He said thoughtfully.

Clone 4 looked at his hand in consideration...and after some experimentation, managed to do the same. Quickly they destroyed the corpse and bike.

"Come, we must tell our fellow clones this development...it will make our mission easier." Said Clone 4

"Hey, Dr. Funtime! I thought your twin was a chick!" Both clones turn around to see an oblivious Lee and Nate enter the clearing.

Clone 3 looked at them thoughtfully. "Out of curiosity...what are the chances of Wendy ever dating either of you?" Asked the clone analytically.

Both looked at him surprised then laughed. "well, not to toot my own horn...but I she did give me a wink the other day." Admitted Lee with a chuckle. "Dude that was for me!" Shouted Nate annoyed.

 **ZAP!**

And with that both teens were dead. "We can't take anymore risks! Alert our brothers! All obstacles to our mission must be eliminated...

...

Oh, and somewhere Mable was having a a B-plot with Pacifica...but who cares?

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


End file.
